This series has been quite soul-baring for me. Here we go again. I’m ashamed to say I really struggle with feeling the need to defend myself to others. Why is that?
Believe me, I’ve analyzed this one until I’m blue in the face! I want to get to the root of getting defensive. It’s just not an attractive quality, have you noticed?
I find that I get defensive when I:
- feel misunderstood
- feel misjudged
- feel like the other person hasn’t heard me correctly
- feel ganged up on
- feel misrepresented
- feel like I’ve lost something
- feel…
Did you notice the common denominator? As with many of our bad behaviors, defending ourselves is often the result of heeding our feelings, our emotions. The Bible tells us not to be ruled by our emotions, however, but to be ruled by the indwelling Holy Spirit.
Our emotions are often based on faulty thinking, self-centered thinking, and selfish aspirations gone awry. The Holy Spirit, on the other hand, reminds us of truth. Jesus said one of the jobs of the Holy Spirit is to bring to our remembrance the truths He spoke. Likewise, the written Word of God also is truth. Truth sets us free. So when we choose to listen to the Holy Spirit and the Word of God, our emotions will not rise up and call the shots in our lives. Instead of being in bondage to our emotions, we are free to live holy lives that honor God and express His love to others.
Why is it wrong to be defensive, to set someone straight when they’ve misjudged or even misspoken against you? Because defensiveness is an ungodly characteristic. Think about it. Did Jesus rise up in indignation and defend His own character or life? No. Recall those excruciating hours He hung on the cross while men spat upon Him, jeered and mocked Him, tore His clothing and took it as souvenirs. The Bible says in 1 Peter 2:23 that while Jesus was reviled, He did not revile in return. Instead He entrusted Himself to the One who would judge righteously.
And that’s the key for us to put down our weapons of battle and
Resist the urge to…get defensive.
First of all, meditate on and memorize 1 Peter 2:12:
Keep your behavior excellent
among the Gentiles,
so that in the thing in which
they slander you as evildoers,
they may on account of your good deeds,
as they observe them,
glorify God in the day of visitation.
1 Peter 2:12
Actually all of 1 Peter 2 is worthy of a good and thorough read-through on this topic.
Next, as you meditate on this biblical instruction, pray something like this:
Jesus, you are my example for living graciously, victoriously and obediently, even when misunderstood or mistreated. I want to live like You so that others are drawn to You. So when I begin to feel mistreated or misunderstood, ganged up on or misrepresented, robbed or misheard, help me to listen to Your words of truth rather than my wounded feelings. Help me to entrust myself — my reputation, my rights, my heart, my future, my feelings — to the One who sees all and knows all, and who will judge appropriately. And help me to care more about my testimony for You than my emotions or my need to be right or even heard. Help me resist the temptation to pick up my weapons and fight back, but to be gentle and patient and kind instead.
Finally, here are a few practical suggestions founded on biblical principles:
- Ask honest questions instead of building your defense. Sometimes we grow defensive simply because we have misunderstood the other person’s words, motives, or actions. Ask for and seek clarity. In doing so, you’ll create an atmosphere for honest, peaceful exchange of ideas rather than a battlefield. (Oh my! I need this!) (Proverbs 20:5)
- Entrust yourself to God. You can be assured that He sees what is going on and assesses it correctly. Trust Him and not yourself. (Genesis 16:13 & Proverbs 3:5)
- Be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger. I know. That’s a Bible verse (James 1:19 to be exact) and that makes it a hard thing to do. But we can practice those three disciplines to make them work for us! Concentrate on listening to the other person. Make it your job to gather information! Try to hold off on speaking as long as you possibly can, giving yourself an opportunity to speak more wisely and lovingly. Finally, keep those weapons on the ground. Refuse to pick them up!
- Consider the other person. My husband has wisely reminded me again and again, “Hurting people hurt people.” Could the person who is seemingly hurting you be hurting themselves? You’re less likely to fire back at a wounded person, wouldn’t you say? (Philippians 2:3)
- Speak truth to yourself. If the other person has hurt your feelings with destructive words, instead of firing back, retreat to a quiet place where you can heal your wounds with the soothing ointment of biblical truth. (Psalm 42:5)
- Put the weapons down. Remember, our battle is not against flesh and blood, but against the evil one who seeks to destroy every good thing God has created, including your testimony, your relationships, and your calling. The armor with which we fight him is all spiritual armor. But when you put on carnal battle array, such as hammering sarcasm, harsh accusations, or stinging words, and defend yourself to another person, you will destroy the good with the bad. (Ephesians 6:12)
- Keep a sense of humor. This isn’t always easy, but I find it helps if I don’t take myself or the moment so seriously.
I don’t want to be a defensive person, someone with whom people feel they must walk on eggshells. Know what I mean? I want to be gracious and easy-to-be-with. I want to be the kind of person who creates an atmosphere for easy exchange of ideas, not a battlefield. Sometimes the other person creates that kind of situation, but I can still refuse to pick up the weapons of battle. Instead I can diffuse the tension with a sense of humor, a little grace, and trust in my God.
Do you have additional ideas on how to keep from becoming defensive? I’d love to hear them. I need to hear them!
Ouch – this one hits me where it hurts! But I needed it, and will continue to need it, because sadly this is my "default" when I have been hurt. Or when someone I love has been hurt. Or when I think (know!) I'm right. I could go on but you get the gist. Interestingly God has also been dealing me on this issue, and one of the things He has really focused me on is that He fights for me while I keep silent (Ex 14:14), that He will: Never desert me. Never forsake me. SO? So I can confidently say, the LORD is my helper, I will NOT be afraid, and maybe most significantly for me, what will (can) MAN do to me? (Hebrews 13:5-6) This is God's say-so. I'm learning to learn how to trust, really really trust, in that.
Thank you for this!
I’m so glad I found this. Lately I’ve had a heightened awareness of this issue in myself and in others. One thing I’ve noticed is that so many defensive responses include lashing out or attacking. This is certainly not conducive to the tenderhearted forgiving spirit that I know God wants me to have, according to Ephesians 4:31-32, and many other Scriptures. The sad thing is that I recently met with some women for a new weekly group where we encourage one another as we try to memorize Scripture. And I was shocked at how many of them were defensive. I understand it. Like you said, when I feel misjudged or like I’ve failed (which I think these women were feeling because Scripture memory is so difficult for so many and we don’t want to feel as if we’ve failed), then the default response is defensiveness. Our leader tried to assure everyone that nobody was being judged and if we can memorize just one verse at a time, then that’s good too. But I do recognize the defensiveness in me and want to overcome it by the power of the Holy Spirit. Thanks so much for your article!
In rereading my comment, I’m concerned that I didn’t express the fact that I felt defensive in the group too. I see this so often in myself and in other believers whenever we seek to tackle things that might keep us from following Christ more closely. I wholeheartedly believe that this comes from spiritual warfare. God wants us to love each other, accept each other and build up each other in our walk with Christ. I need to learn to keep my fears of being judged for my failures in check. Whether I feel I’ve failed because I haven’t memorized as much Scripture, or if I feel that I may be publicly embarrassed by being treated harshly for some personal deficiency (the Scripture says we’re to be gentle, see Galatians 6:1), I think these things are emphasized by our enemy in order to keep us from meeting together and growing, and/or to isolate us. I pray for myself and all of us who would follow Jesus that we would let the love of Christ control us in order to be an encouragement to each other.
Thank you so so much for sharing this, Kay! I’ve been told years ago by my mother that she needed to be careful how she spoke to me. Even as a young girl, I was very sweet, yet had a defensive nature if confronted. I’m now 50 years old. Been struggling with this for way too long. Yesterday I asked God to reveal to me why I am always so emotional! He revealed to me how defensive I am with others. I believe this has been deeply rooted since childhood, a stronghold of the enemy. I so want to be a light for Christ and let him shine through me, and have been asking the Lord to help me to truly love people. I admit I have such a hard time listening to others, I mean truly listen because I’m so concerned about my feelings. My husband says I can’t handle anything under a shade of gray. Of course, I would get defensive with that statement! I know how great God is, how loving he is, how faithful he is, yet I am gripped with fear daily and I feel I must be in control. Through the Holy Spirit and the power of his word I will overcome this, and I will overcome the lies of Satan so I to can express His love to others. Pray for me!
Renee, Thank you for your honest comments. I’m so glad the Lord used this post to speak to you. We all have struggles with how we respond to other people; those struggles just take different forms for each of us. And half the battle is just in confessing our wrong behavior and asking the Lord to help us change it. You are obviously willing to heed the direction of the Lord and ask for His help. He is obviously working in you…and He who began a good work in you will complete it! I’ll be praying for you as you move forward in this area. Blessings!
I’m confessing that this spirit of defensiveness has been plaguing me, as well. The Lord kindly showed it to me last week and I’ve been using what I learned in the Beth Moore study I completed (twice) with my Sisters group called “Breaking Free.” I love her study and feel she’s anointed but I also needed the comfort and support of fellowship as I address this. Thank you so much Kay for posting on this topic and bringing people together to lift one another up in the Word. Renee, Stephanie and Fatima, I’m praying that we shine the light of the Word to expose and tear down the lies that wallpaper our minds with negative thoughts of persecution. I pray that we put on the full armor of God and replace the lies of the enemy with the Truth of the word and that we shall NOT be shaken. I stand with you on the promises of God and speak the mighty name of Jesus to break every assignment and stronghold of the enemy. In His precious name I pray for us all. Thank you and God bless.
I love this! I have seen myself getting defensive at times and I act on it on the spot and then I get convicted right away. And I’ve been wanting to do more research on this topic and I’m thankful I found this. Thank you for sharing.
I’m so glad your search lead you here. Bless you!
Instead of being defensive, say something like, that’s interesting, tell me more and be silent. This will allow you to set yourself up to LISTEN to the other person. It will make them feel.heard and build a bridge (connection). between you both.
Great suggestion!