Why is a Too Much Friend Too Much?

My younger brother and I once had the opportunity to attend a press event at Six Flags Over Georgia. With the park closed to all but a few hundred travel writers, we had the chance to experience every ride numerous times without waiting in lines. We were treated to a full barbecue meal before entering the gates. And once in the park we could also have all the popcorn, hot dogs, pizza, pretzels, soft drinks and cotton candy we desired. And my teenage brother and I desired a lot!

To this day I can still remember the belly ache that resulted from my excessive indulgences that evening. I literally rocked back and forth in my bed that night trying to subdue the pain. Given freedom to do as I pleased, I had pleased myself too much!

Why Excess Hurts

In my last blog post I wrote about excess. And while I believe Proverbs 25:16-17 warns us about excess in general, I think it draws our attention to a particular insidious form of excess: a too much friendship.

Have you found honey? Eat only what you need, lest you have it in excess and vomit it.

Let your foot rarely be in your neighbor’s house, lest he become weary of you and hate you.”

It occurred to me that you might wonder why too much of a friendship could be too much. We tend to consider friendship somewhat of a safety zone, an area of innocence where we really can’t go wrong. But just as my brother and I were in a safe, wholesome amusement park that summer evening and still managed to over stuff our stomachs, friends can cross a line into excess and idolatry quite inadvertently.

In our proverbs I see two areas that often trip us up in our friendships:

• the fulfillment of the desires of our heart (Proverbs 25:16)
• and excessive time in each other’s company (Proverbs 25:17)

In the Bible, honey often symbolizes pleasure. For instance, God promised the Israelites He would take them to a land flowing with milk and honey–all they needed for both survival (milk) and pleasure (honey). So Proverbs 25:16 could be interpreted to say, “Have you found something that satisfies a desire of your heart? Something pleasurable? Great, but be careful not to take so much that it becomes unhealthy and dangerous.” And obviously Proverbs 25:17 warns friends to limit the amount of time they spend together. But why?

Too Much Delight

Don’t you just love it when you find a friend who is easy to be with? To me that is one of life’s sweetest blessings. But Jan Silvious notes in her book Please Don’t Say You Need Me that ease of companionship can be both a sweet spot and a slippery slope. She says when we find someone with whom we instantly click, we are sometimes prone to progress through the stages of friendship too quickly, forming a bond deeper than time has earned. And because the relationship feels so good and is so easy, we push aside or even abandon other relationships that take more work and give less immediate pleasure. For instance, when I find that “fast friend” I may stop investing in friendships with other women, especially those who are harder to get to know. But hey, the toughest nut to crack could also be the sweetest! I could really miss out if I don’t reserve effort and time for other less “easy” friendships.

I also might put less energy into my marriage if I focus on an easy peasy BFF. Let’s face it, my man is not as simple for me to understand as another woman. Really, I have to be a student of my husband in order to have a good marriage. And my husband and I have a lot of water under our bridge from years of living under the same roof. Not only will focusing on my friendship cause it to intensify to a point of unhealthiness, but it will sap my marriage of the energy and devotion it requires and deserves from me.

The Bigger Issue

More importantly, when I seek the desires of my heart from one easy friend and subsequently spend large quantities of time with her, I eventually neglect my relationship with the Lord. Oh, I don’t mean to. In fact, my friend and I may have a spiritual connection. We may pray together, minister alongside each other and worship God together. But little by little the pleasures I once sought from God alone, I begin to seek from my friend: encouragement, affirmation, undying love, companionship, solace and joy. Remember, the Bible teaches that the Lord longs to grant me the desires of my heart as I delight in Him.

Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart.” (Psalm 37:4)

Truly, this isn’t just a sweet offer; it’s a command. I am instructed to delight myself completely and wholeheartedly in the Lord. The delightful benefit of such steadfast investment? He gives me all my heart desires–everlasting love, a sure sense of significance, His continuous companionship, solid security and unspeakable joy. The steady supply of those gifts from my Beloved and my dependency on Him to receive them becomes the glue that intensifies a holy intimacy between us. This intimacy is both healthy and completely satisfying.

When my friend and I grant each other the desires of our hearts by spending time together, sharing our dreams and hurts, encouraging each other to be all we can be, creating fun memories and laughing together, we build intimacy, too. But sweet sister, you and I have to be careful that the level of intimacy between friends doesn’t reach an unhealthy stage, causing others to feel like they have limited or no access to us. That’s not intimacy; that’s exclusivity.

And that’s idolatry.

Remember the example I gave you above about how God promised His people a land flowing with milk and honey? He promised them brooks of water, fountains and springs, wheat and barley, grape vines and fig trees, pomegranates, olive oil and, yes, honey. But He warned them not to lose Him in the midst of all those blessings (see Deuteronomy 8:1-18). When I dip too deep into the sweet blessing of friendship and drink it in excessively, I will lose sight of the One who has provided every good and perfect gift. I’ll soon worship the gift instead of the Giver.

Do you see the slippery slope in this sweet spot?

Here’s the Advice, Friend

So here’s my sweet suggestion. Actually, let’s see what the Bible has to say.

The righteous person is cautious in his friendship,
but the way of the wicked leads them astray. (Proverbs 12:26, NET)

Like a city that is broken into and without walls
Is a {woman} who has no control over {her} spirit. (Proverbs 25:28, NASB)

Move slowly in developing friendships. Don’t over commit. Exercise wisdom. Spread yourself out among as many sweet friends as you can reasonably handle. Occasionally, do things in groups of three or more friends. Know when to say, “Goodbye. It’s been fun.” Resist the cultural romanticism of the BFF, and invest equally in several dear friends instead.

If you’ve been in a friendship marked by excess, it may be hard to get things back in balance. Honey is sticky, yes? And relationships of “too much” tend to be sticky also. You may need to solicit some help from a Christian counselor, your husband or a wise friend. And of course I suggest Jan Silvious’ book.

But the best thing you can do–whether you’re in a sticky friendship or your hands are clean–is invest heavily in your friendship with God. Delight in Him…and He will give you the desires of your heart…every single day.